We all know that it's really tough shit getting over a break-up especially after you've been in a relationship for so long.
David: Remember that time we made love and you just started crying in my arms?
Amy: Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked. Please! It's so creepy.
David: I want to take you to Paris and make love to you under the Eiffel Tower.
Amy: Stop it!
David: Stop what?
Amy: This whole Paris thing! I've been broken up with you for, like, two years, man. I don't want to date you anymore!
David: You're a whore.
Amy: I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!
David: [grinning] Ha... this is so us.
Amy: Heh heh heh... psycho talk.......
Here are some tips on how to get over that heartbreaking asshole:
Do's
Reinvent Yourself
-Workout, really hard. So that when your ex sees you he/she will feel remorseful for dumping you for a 5 that's not as funny as you.
-Get a new look. No plastic surgery. Try a hair cut or a Brazilian wax.
-Go get a massage with a happy ending.
Delete them
-Delete them completely out of your life. Erase them from Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, E-mail, AIM, and your phone. Save yourself from chronically checking their Facebook status updates to see what they are doing. You're only hurting yourself.
Erase their phone number from your phone
This will save you from the temptation of drunk dialing or texting
Text(12:00): FUCK YOU!
Text(12:13): sorry im kinda derunk
Text(12:20): i miss you :( you fuck
Text(12:36): DIE, just fucking die
Text(12:36): Ok, i'm really sorry... too much Henny......
Reply: None
Change your surroundings
-Buy new bedsheets. You don't want to be reminded of how you used to bang your ex on those 500 thread count sheets.
-Get rid of all the photos or mementos that remind you of the other person. This will save you from crying hysterically when you see their underwear in your drawer.
Stay Active
Stay busy at all times. Don't mope around your house like a pathetic little bitch. Go try something new like a boxing class, shopping at your local farmers market, perhaps a prostitute on El Cajon Blvd?
Don't
-Don't drive by their house or work if you're "in the area" just to see if they are there
-Don't coincidentally show up to the same bar as them because you saw his/her friend's status update that said "GONNA GET CRUNK AT 923"
-Don't call them on a private number just to hear their voice then hang up
Don't make excuses to see them.
All of a sudden you want back your Season 3 Full House DVD's, your USB cord, and the Maxim magazine from Feb '07? Seriously, you could live without that shit.
-Don't try to take back the shit you bought them.
"I want back those pink boxers with the frogs, the candle that's in your room, your lamp, the KY in your top drawer, all the grey tube socks you own, the fake Gucci wallet, and the Beach Walk slippers (the one with the white sole and the yellow thongs from Seafood City) I want em back!!!!!!!!!!"
Don't cry or vent to his/her friends
You do this because you know they are going to tell your ex everything you said. Not only will this make you look crazy, but will leave room for them to get a laugh about how pathetic you are.
Don't rebound
"The best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one."
Awesome quote, probably not the best idea. Give yourself a time to heal properly. Don't immediately call someone else a few hours after you have been dumped and get into their pants. Your ex might not have considered that a real break up, then you will be accused of cheating. Who knows?...... Seriously? What are the odds that your rebound relationship will actually workout? Unless of course you are "the exception" but, that's a whole different thing to blog about.
Don't accept invitations to have sex
In certain cases, people that have been together for long periods of time tend to continue to have sex after they break-up. This can obviously have it's pros and cons. Don't let the other person reap the benefits of your amazing felatio skills. They can't have their cake and eat it too.
Don't harass their new significant other
-Don't threaten to beat the shit out of them whenever you see them in public
-Don't post a photo of the girl naked with a photo shopped penis. (I LOVE Adobe Photoshop)
-Don't key their car multiple times
-Don't slash their tires
-Don't vandalize their home with graffiti death threats
-Don't purposely sit behind them in church
This blog was extremely entertaining to write. Brings back old memories. (Sigh)
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
You should just break up already
Some couples stay together for way too long before they finally realize that it's time to break up.
10. You don't have any other friends but each other
This is just pathetic. You spend so much time together then you forget who your friends are.
9. You let yourself go
We all know that couples gain a little bit of weight when they get together. I don't give a fuck how comfortable you are, there's no excuse as to why you got morbidly obese.
Don't you think that it's messed up how you gained 50 pounds because you're in love? Your bf/gf did not sign up for that shit! Let's keep the flame alive and lay off those burritos. Because when your significant other finds someone better than you, you're just going to be a fat and lonely heffer.
Don't blame your obesity on your significant other either.
"It's your fuckin fault. That's why I'm so big now! My self-esteem is ruined."
No bitch, it's called self-esteem and nobody is forcing those double cheeseburgers in your mouth.
8. It gets boring in bed
You already know all the tricks this person has and they are just no longer working for you. Your flesh light/rabbit is just becoming more appealing to you.
7. We have a nagger.
This bitch is nagging at every single thing you do.
"When the fuck are you coming home? It's already 9:00?"
"You never take me out anymore!"
"You watch too much football!"
"Why you lookin at that hoe for?"
"Why do you like that bitches status facebook?"
Don't nag. Its disrespectful and you are going to make your significant other resent you.
6. You don't trust each other
Some RED FLAG warning signs to watch out for:
A. You walk out the bathroom and this bitch is checking your phone.
B. They check the mileage on your car. "I thought chu said you was goin to Tom's house. He only lives 3 miles away."
C. They check your pockets for phone numbers.
Keisha: Whos motha fuckin number is this?
Joe: Oh, It's my doctors.
Keisha: Well I called it and some fuckin hoe answered. And I told her you was mah man!
Joe: Bitch you craazy. You shouldn't have been lookin for trouble in the first place.
D. They get scared when you go to work because they have a fear you might be screwing the housekeeping.
5. You do the same shit.
It's just a different day. You eat, watch tv, have sex, go to sleep, then repeat.
4. Money issues
If you're in a relationship and you find yourself paying for every single thing you better run. You are not a parent and this isn't the 1920's. This goes both ways.
3. Your fights start to get out of hand.
Some examples:
- The cops show up while you're fighting in the Walmart parking lot.
- Your guy friends ask you where you got that black eye from.
- She's threatening to kill herself by overdosing on Tylenol and Mike's Hard Lemonade.
- They set your clothes on fire.
2. Bad Communication.
An example:
John(7:00PM): What are you doing tonight?
Candace(7:15PM): Oh babe, I'm going to go out with the girls.
John(8:35PM): Okay honey I'll see you later.
Candace(9:30PM): I think we're going to go out too.
John(10:00PM): Where are you going?
(Candace leaves her phone in the car)
John(10:09PM): What the fuck?
John(11:16PM): Who the fuck are you with?
John(11:17PM): Why the fuck aren't you getting back?
John(11:22PM): I'm going to wait in front of your fucking house.
John(11:31PM): Why are you doing this to me? :*(*****
John(12:09AM): Seriously?
16 missed calls, 3 voice mails, and 18 text messages later.
Candace(8:09AM): Sorry. Left my phone in the car. Have a good day.
1. Infidelity
Phil: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her!
Phil: And you believe that?
Stu: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.
If you don't want to be with this person anymore just say so! People are so scared to leave a fucked up relationship so they end up cheating! Would you rather have someone tell you they don't want to be with you anymore, OR find out by walking in on your girlfriend getting gang banged by two midgets while she's tied to your bed?
Some ways to break up:
-Ignore the person till they get the point
-Change your phone number
-Text them
If you choose to break up in person:
-Pick up your stuff while your new bf/gf is waiting in the car
-Be sensitive to their feelings
"It's not you, it's me."
"The next guy is going to be so lucky to be with you.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
-Act like you care. Don't show that you are happy about the break up.
"You know, this is really hard for me."
-Choose the right time. Try to avoid birthdays, special holidays, and anniversaries.
Monday, March 8, 2010
First Date Etiquette
Some guidelines for that first date.
This should kill some time while i wait at the DMV
10. Don't go straight to the bar. For obvious reasons. You're going to get drunk, dry hump on the dance floor and end up having intercourse. If you're a guy this could probably be awesome for you but since you don't know this girl you might end up with herpes. If you're a girl don't be a whore and give out because he will not call you the next day.
9. Don't pick somewhere expensive. You barely know this girl. Why blow money to impress her? Save it for another time if she's actually worth it.
8. Don't get into a conversation about your past relationships.
"Yeah, my ex she's fuckin crazy. She still blows up my phone, shows up to my work unannounced, and leaves me voice mails of her breathing and sobbing."
If this is the case, you should make a run for it. They probably just broke up yesterday.
7. Who is going to pay?
Personally, I think the guy should on the first date. But, girls should at least offer to. If he lets you, that should say a lot about him.
6. Make plans for the date at least 3 to 5 days in advance.
Girls: Don't agree to hang out with a guy if he asks you on the same day. Set a time for a different day. Let him suffer in anticipation for a little bit.
5. Use flattery, appropriately.
You should comment on how good she/he looks. She didn't spend half the day looking for a push up bra for her A cup tits for no reason.
4. Girls, don't dress like a slut.
He wants to go on a date because he already thought you were attractive. Don't come out of your house in 7 inch FMP's (fuck me pumps), a sleazy polyester dress, and your nipples hanging out. Have some class. This will probably send the wrong message.
3. Don't get tooo deep into your conversation. Sometimes girls get in a habit of talking too much about sensitive subjects in their life. If she starts talking about how she used to get beat by her father and gang raped, try changing the subject. Keep it simple. You're getting to know each other. This is not a therapy session.
2. Don't eat anything too messy or anything that could potentially make you gassy or bloated. You might want to stay away from anything dairy, mexican food, or Crab Hut. You don't want to hold in your fart for 2 hours right?
1. Brush your tongue!!!!!!!
We already know that you're going to brush your teeth, but some people forget to brush their tongue. If you could smell the other person's foul ass breath from a foot away that is just a turn off.
Some people seriously forget:
A. Brush your teeth in a circular motion for about 2 to 3 minutes.
B. Brush all the white stuff on your tongue till it turns pink
C. Floss please!!!!
If your breath still stinks. You probably have some sort of digestive problem. You might want to get a prescription for that. Bring some gum/mints/mouth wash. Whatever it takes.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
This should kill some time while i wait at the DMV
10. Don't go straight to the bar. For obvious reasons. You're going to get drunk, dry hump on the dance floor and end up having intercourse. If you're a guy this could probably be awesome for you but since you don't know this girl you might end up with herpes. If you're a girl don't be a whore and give out because he will not call you the next day.
9. Don't pick somewhere expensive. You barely know this girl. Why blow money to impress her? Save it for another time if she's actually worth it.
8. Don't get into a conversation about your past relationships.
"Yeah, my ex she's fuckin crazy. She still blows up my phone, shows up to my work unannounced, and leaves me voice mails of her breathing and sobbing."
If this is the case, you should make a run for it. They probably just broke up yesterday.
7. Who is going to pay?
Personally, I think the guy should on the first date. But, girls should at least offer to. If he lets you, that should say a lot about him.
6. Make plans for the date at least 3 to 5 days in advance.
Girls: Don't agree to hang out with a guy if he asks you on the same day. Set a time for a different day. Let him suffer in anticipation for a little bit.
5. Use flattery, appropriately.
You should comment on how good she/he looks. She didn't spend half the day looking for a push up bra for her A cup tits for no reason.
4. Girls, don't dress like a slut.
He wants to go on a date because he already thought you were attractive. Don't come out of your house in 7 inch FMP's (fuck me pumps), a sleazy polyester dress, and your nipples hanging out. Have some class. This will probably send the wrong message.
3. Don't get tooo deep into your conversation. Sometimes girls get in a habit of talking too much about sensitive subjects in their life. If she starts talking about how she used to get beat by her father and gang raped, try changing the subject. Keep it simple. You're getting to know each other. This is not a therapy session.
2. Don't eat anything too messy or anything that could potentially make you gassy or bloated. You might want to stay away from anything dairy, mexican food, or Crab Hut. You don't want to hold in your fart for 2 hours right?
1. Brush your tongue!!!!!!!
We already know that you're going to brush your teeth, but some people forget to brush their tongue. If you could smell the other person's foul ass breath from a foot away that is just a turn off.
Some people seriously forget:
A. Brush your teeth in a circular motion for about 2 to 3 minutes.
B. Brush all the white stuff on your tongue till it turns pink
C. Floss please!!!!
If your breath still stinks. You probably have some sort of digestive problem. You might want to get a prescription for that. Bring some gum/mints/mouth wash. Whatever it takes.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Irritating internet habits
Completely irrelevant from what I usually write about. But, It's Friday night and I'm too lazy to do anything because I just ate a burrito.
Some of the shit that people do on the internet that's really annoying:
10. The barrage of drunk tweets/status updates
"I Ddnt now wher Iammmm"
"Hooeeepp i dwnt gert rapeeedd"
"beloo isssa on n poppinnnn "
"hjungle hefever"
"fckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk"
"suppre serigios copssa figsfaat"
9. People that put their problems on blast on the internet.
"Oh my god, I'm having the worst day. Just caught my girlfriend getting gang banged by the security guards from Decos!"
8. When people take photos of themselves in front of their bathroom mirror with a camera phone or cybershot. Because you felt like you looked skinny but you're really not and you were just sucking in your stomach with all your might.
7. Although, I'm a fellow tweeter I don't find it necessary to ReTweeT (RTRTRTRTRTRTRT) what @RevRun says. Everyone else is following him too! It's probably NOT even him.
6. Girls that take photos and you only see one specific angle of their face.
"Hey girl hol' up I want chu to git ma good side"
or
People that make the "thizz" face. This is not cool nor attractive. You just look like you're hurting.
5. Those god damn inbox messages from someone promoting their event. This is upsetting because you think someone is personally messaging you but, it says "Bottle Service, VIP, love short little asian douche bags??"
4. When you "like" someones status on FB then you get tons of notifications because other people commented on this activity. All because you liked someones photo of the potato chips they were having for lunch.
3. When people send you gifts, invite you to play mafia wars, send me filipino food, smiles on smiles,
Farmville, etc..... I don't even know how to use that shit.
2. When people add you as a friend on FB or Twitter that you don't really know. If I won't say hi to you at the mall, then you should not be allowed to be my friend on FB. People just like to see photos and have something to gossip about.
"Did you see that Mildred posted something on Gregory's wall? She is probably sleeping with him"
1. People that make a status update on Facebook or Twitter for EVERY single thing they're doing.
Adam (9:00AM): Good morning everyone. I'm having an extremely bloody stool.
Adam (9:06AM): Just showered can't get rid of my morning wood
Adam (9:17AM): Morning wood shriveled upon getting out of the shower
Adam (9:17AM): Who wrote faggot on my windshield again???? :(
I just realized that I spend too much fucking time on the internet. If any of this offends you it's probably because you're guilty of it.
Some of the shit that people do on the internet that's really annoying:
10. The barrage of drunk tweets/status updates
"I Ddnt now wher Iammmm"
"Hooeeepp i dwnt gert rapeeedd"
"beloo isssa on n poppinnnn "
"hjungle hefever"
"fckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk"
"suppre serigios copssa figsfaat"
9. People that put their problems on blast on the internet.
"Oh my god, I'm having the worst day. Just caught my girlfriend getting gang banged by the security guards from Decos!"
8. When people take photos of themselves in front of their bathroom mirror with a camera phone or cybershot. Because you felt like you looked skinny but you're really not and you were just sucking in your stomach with all your might.
7. Although, I'm a fellow tweeter I don't find it necessary to ReTweeT (RTRTRTRTRTRTRT) what @RevRun says. Everyone else is following him too! It's probably NOT even him.
6. Girls that take photos and you only see one specific angle of their face.
"Hey girl hol' up I want chu to git ma good side"
or
People that make the "thizz" face. This is not cool nor attractive. You just look like you're hurting.
5. Those god damn inbox messages from someone promoting their event. This is upsetting because you think someone is personally messaging you but, it says "Bottle Service, VIP, love short little asian douche bags??"
4. When you "like" someones status on FB then you get tons of notifications because other people commented on this activity. All because you liked someones photo of the potato chips they were having for lunch.
3. When people send you gifts, invite you to play mafia wars, send me filipino food, smiles on smiles,
Farmville, etc..... I don't even know how to use that shit.
2. When people add you as a friend on FB or Twitter that you don't really know. If I won't say hi to you at the mall, then you should not be allowed to be my friend on FB. People just like to see photos and have something to gossip about.
"Did you see that Mildred posted something on Gregory's wall? She is probably sleeping with him"
1. People that make a status update on Facebook or Twitter for EVERY single thing they're doing.
Adam (9:00AM): Good morning everyone. I'm having an extremely bloody stool.
Adam (9:06AM): Just showered can't get rid of my morning wood
Adam (9:17AM): Morning wood shriveled upon getting out of the shower
Adam (9:17AM): Who wrote faggot on my windshield again???? :(
I just realized that I spend too much fucking time on the internet. If any of this offends you it's probably because you're guilty of it.
Monday, February 22, 2010
How did that guy get with THAT girl
I'm writing this blog because we have all seen that average-to below average looking guy with that really hot ass girl.
Whenever you see this duo, you're probably thinking to yourself:
"How the FUCK did this fool land this hot ass broad??"
Then you think even harder:
"He is probably well hung, rich, or his tongue probably has batteries in it...."
If you're a male and you find yourself in the average to below average looking category and u want to score that hot chick here are some tips:
-Be Confident
Girls like it when a guy has confidence. But, there is a thin line between being arrogant and being confident.
Arrogant
"I'm fucking better than that fool. Look at my over sized buff man titties"
Confident
"I'm funny, and I have a few things going for me"
Have a sense of humor!
Girls would rather hang out with the average cute guy, that could make her laugh for days rather than, the handsome stallion that knows how many chest hairs he has
Have strong body language
I'm not saying that you should look "hawrd" and walk with a gangster limp but girls like it when a guy is standing up straight with a smile on his face. Its just sexy.
Dress Appropriately
Yeah, this sounds a little odd but you will thank me later. Don't go up to a girl if you're wearing dirty ass white K-Swiss shoes. Once you walk away she WILL make fun of your shoes to her friends. Don't wear any of that atrocious Ed Hardy/Affliction bullshit either. This is just screaming fist pumping douche bag loser. If a girl likes that stuff it will probably say a lot about her.
Once you finally get the balls to talk to her...
Be attentive when she talks
Pay attention to this girl and make good eye contact. DO NOT eye fuck the orange tan, too much make-up, fake titty bitch that walks by you. Because, this will ruin your chances.
Ask her questions
Girls like it when guys take initiative in a conversation
Guy: Hey how are you tonight?? = Translation: I would love to tap that ass
Guy: How was your day pretty lady? = He's thinking: I don't really give a fuck, but those tits look pretty perky.....
Guy: So, who did you come here with tonight? = Translation: I hope you didn't come here with some other fool cause I'm planning on waking up next to you tomorrow morning...
Look, all I'm saying is that girls are simple too. Well most girls, unless she's a gold digging whore that uses her fake tits to get free drinks. But, that's a whole different subject. Girls just want a funny, respectful, smart, cute, confident, and hygienic guy that knows how to cook a steak. I'm sorry but, if you don't know how to cook a steak or work a grill, you're just not manly enough. I'm sure that I'm speaking on behalf of most women out there.
Whenever you see this duo, you're probably thinking to yourself:
"How the FUCK did this fool land this hot ass broad??"
Then you think even harder:
"He is probably well hung, rich, or his tongue probably has batteries in it...."
If you're a male and you find yourself in the average to below average looking category and u want to score that hot chick here are some tips:
-Be Confident
Girls like it when a guy has confidence. But, there is a thin line between being arrogant and being confident.
Arrogant
"I'm fucking better than that fool. Look at my over sized buff man titties"
Confident
"I'm funny, and I have a few things going for me"
Have a sense of humor!
Girls would rather hang out with the average cute guy, that could make her laugh for days rather than, the handsome stallion that knows how many chest hairs he has
Have strong body language
I'm not saying that you should look "hawrd" and walk with a gangster limp but girls like it when a guy is standing up straight with a smile on his face. Its just sexy.
Dress Appropriately
Yeah, this sounds a little odd but you will thank me later. Don't go up to a girl if you're wearing dirty ass white K-Swiss shoes. Once you walk away she WILL make fun of your shoes to her friends. Don't wear any of that atrocious Ed Hardy/Affliction bullshit either. This is just screaming fist pumping douche bag loser. If a girl likes that stuff it will probably say a lot about her.
Once you finally get the balls to talk to her...
Be attentive when she talks
Pay attention to this girl and make good eye contact. DO NOT eye fuck the orange tan, too much make-up, fake titty bitch that walks by you. Because, this will ruin your chances.
Ask her questions
Girls like it when guys take initiative in a conversation
Guy: Hey how are you tonight?? = Translation: I would love to tap that ass
Guy: How was your day pretty lady? = He's thinking: I don't really give a fuck, but those tits look pretty perky.....
Guy: So, who did you come here with tonight? = Translation: I hope you didn't come here with some other fool cause I'm planning on waking up next to you tomorrow morning...
Look, all I'm saying is that girls are simple too. Well most girls, unless she's a gold digging whore that uses her fake tits to get free drinks. But, that's a whole different subject. Girls just want a funny, respectful, smart, cute, confident, and hygienic guy that knows how to cook a steak. I'm sorry but, if you don't know how to cook a steak or work a grill, you're just not manly enough. I'm sure that I'm speaking on behalf of most women out there.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I'm just not interested....
Have you ever wasted tons of time on a girl that you never had a chance with? All the signs were in front of you but, you didn't acknowledge them because you were so focused on the getting in them pants?
Some signs that could work for boys and girls:
9. She will decline an invitation
If a girl is interested in you they will go out of their way to see you. Even if she has plans. I'm not saying that you should give up right away. But, It's probably going to be a struggle to win this person's affection. Good luck.
8. She has not introduced you to her to your friends
If you've been on a several dates with this girl and you still haven't met her friends, you're probably not worthy. She might be spending time with you until someone better comes along.
7. She always brings her friends
If a girl always brings her friends along all the time it gives her an excuse to not have to pay attention to you. This will leave little room for you to give off any romantic or flirty gestures.
6. She talks about other guys
If a girl really liked you she would not bring up any guys, unless it was her brother, guy best friend, or someone famous.
5. She won't get back to your messages right away
I'm not saying that she'll message you in 0.5 seconds but, if a girl is really interested she will reply soon enough. People have their phone with them ALL THE TIME. This is excluding work hours, gym time, and school. You figure it out.
4. She will show little to no PDA (public display of affection) for those of you who are ruh-tarded
Believe me, if a girl really likes you, and you try to hold her hand in public she'll let you. If she doesn't, she is probably embarrassed, has a boyfriend, or "keeping her game tight."
3. She is always "busy"
"Oh, I have to wake up early tomorrow."
"I have to teach some Japanese kids how to speak Engrish"
"My mom wants me to wash all the cars......specifically at 9:00PM this Saturday"
Bullshit! I've gotten piss drunk to see a boy and had work the next day at 7:00AM just because I liked him :)
2. You call her, but she texts you back
Once again, she could be at work or school. But if you don't know her schedule then you can only assume. Or she could be cuddling with someone that's cuter and funnier than you.
1. She will talk about taking a shit
If a girl was into you this is NEVER something she would bring up. Unless you've been together for quite some time or you're married
"Dude, I just took the biggest dump ever in life. Probably bigger than your penis."
HAHAH I'm sorry I had to....
Some signs that could work for boys and girls:
9. She will decline an invitation
If a girl is interested in you they will go out of their way to see you. Even if she has plans. I'm not saying that you should give up right away. But, It's probably going to be a struggle to win this person's affection. Good luck.
8. She has not introduced you to her to your friends
If you've been on a several dates with this girl and you still haven't met her friends, you're probably not worthy. She might be spending time with you until someone better comes along.
7. She always brings her friends
If a girl always brings her friends along all the time it gives her an excuse to not have to pay attention to you. This will leave little room for you to give off any romantic or flirty gestures.
6. She talks about other guys
If a girl really liked you she would not bring up any guys, unless it was her brother, guy best friend, or someone famous.
5. She won't get back to your messages right away
I'm not saying that she'll message you in 0.5 seconds but, if a girl is really interested she will reply soon enough. People have their phone with them ALL THE TIME. This is excluding work hours, gym time, and school. You figure it out.
4. She will show little to no PDA (public display of affection) for those of you who are ruh-tarded
Believe me, if a girl really likes you, and you try to hold her hand in public she'll let you. If she doesn't, she is probably embarrassed, has a boyfriend, or "keeping her game tight."
3. She is always "busy"
"Oh, I have to wake up early tomorrow."
"I have to teach some Japanese kids how to speak Engrish"
"My mom wants me to wash all the cars......specifically at 9:00PM this Saturday"
Bullshit! I've gotten piss drunk to see a boy and had work the next day at 7:00AM just because I liked him :)
2. You call her, but she texts you back
Once again, she could be at work or school. But if you don't know her schedule then you can only assume. Or she could be cuddling with someone that's cuter and funnier than you.
1. She will talk about taking a shit
If a girl was into you this is NEVER something she would bring up. Unless you've been together for quite some time or you're married
"Dude, I just took the biggest dump ever in life. Probably bigger than your penis."
HAHAH I'm sorry I had to....
Friday, February 12, 2010
Valentine's Day
Oh, what a lovely holiday to remind the single people that they are still single.
Valentine's day tips
- Don't get your girl flowers and a teddy bear. This is so unoriginal and cliché. The flowers are going to die, then she'll probably rip the head of your little teddy bear when you are arguing.
-Buying a card written by someone else to express how you feel is pretty lame. Some corporate fuck is making tons of money because you bought his card that says "Roses are red violets are blue....and blah blah bullshit" How hard is it to buy some construction paper and glue some macaroni on it?
-Girls, please don't waste your money on trashy lingerie from Walmart. It's probably going to get ripped off and he probably won't even notice if you're wearing granny panties.
-If guy/girl asks to to hang out the DAY OF Valentine's day that means their date flaked on them so you're the back up.
- Celebrating V-day on a different day is ok. Why would you want to go to a crowded restaurant with a bunch of awkward looking couples? Most of the couples in that restaurant have probably been together for years and they don't have anything to say to each other.
-Don't go all out
Because if you do something so awesome for your guy/girl for your first V-day, you're going to have to live up to that standard then you'll find your self competing with with the large bundle of sex toys that you bought for the last holiday.
-You should be creative. Creative does not mean expensive. You couples should be grateful that you have someone to spend this Hallmark Holiday with. Die.
If you're single you have a variety of options:
-Couple egging
-Taking sleeping pills throughout the day
-Eating some ribs or fried chicken
-Binge drinking dark liquor till your eyesight is blurry
-Driving somewhere really far and crying hysterically while listening to Brian McKnight
-Your mom can always be your Valentine (hahahahaha)
I still have to finish this.... It's time for me to get my Jameson on.
Valentine's day tips
- Don't get your girl flowers and a teddy bear. This is so unoriginal and cliché. The flowers are going to die, then she'll probably rip the head of your little teddy bear when you are arguing.
-Buying a card written by someone else to express how you feel is pretty lame. Some corporate fuck is making tons of money because you bought his card that says "Roses are red violets are blue....and blah blah bullshit" How hard is it to buy some construction paper and glue some macaroni on it?
On the inside of your card you can put
Am I going to get laid tonight?
Please circle YES or NO
Am I going to get laid tonight?
Please circle YES or NO
-Girls, please don't waste your money on trashy lingerie from Walmart. It's probably going to get ripped off and he probably won't even notice if you're wearing granny panties.
-If guy/girl asks to to hang out the DAY OF Valentine's day that means their date flaked on them so you're the back up.
- Celebrating V-day on a different day is ok. Why would you want to go to a crowded restaurant with a bunch of awkward looking couples? Most of the couples in that restaurant have probably been together for years and they don't have anything to say to each other.
-Don't go all out
Because if you do something so awesome for your guy/girl for your first V-day, you're going to have to live up to that standard then you'll find your self competing with with the large bundle of sex toys that you bought for the last holiday.
-You should be creative. Creative does not mean expensive. You couples should be grateful that you have someone to spend this Hallmark Holiday with. Die.
If you're single you have a variety of options:
-Couple egging
-Taking sleeping pills throughout the day
-Eating some ribs or fried chicken
-Binge drinking dark liquor till your eyesight is blurry
-Driving somewhere really far and crying hysterically while listening to Brian McKnight
-Your mom can always be your Valentine (hahahahaha)
I still have to finish this.... It's time for me to get my Jameson on.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Do's and Don'ts
Don'ts
Don't drink too much. Impaired judgement always follows.
Don't text or answer phone calls while you are on a date (Unless of course it is Jesus, your mom, Zach Galifianakis, or one of The Jonas Bros)
Don't talk about your EX ALL THE TIME. It's just pathetic.
Don't dig into your girl/boy's past. Is it really important to know how their ex looked in the 7th grade?
Caller: OMG, SOOOOOOO HAMMERED, fuccccccccckkkkkk (loud music in backround)
Recipient: I'm fucking sleeping. Bye.
Drunk Text:
Texter: Yo, Whoptsserl fdeddd ,,,,, ,.... rwew horneey.. goin111n 2 urrr. .&423 house
Recipient: (no response)
you get the picture.
Don't be over analytical
"OMG, it's been an hour and she's not calling me back? I wonder if she's humping the mail man!!!!!!!!!!!???"
Do's
"What do you want to do?"
"I dunno, What do you want to do?"
Seriously, not that hard. Go grab some 40's of Steel Reserve and have a chat somewhere cool.
Ex. I have to re-lace all of my sneakers
I'm going to recycle all of the plastic bottles in my backyard for money.
My grandma needs me to take her to bible study at 10 PM this Friday.
I have to go to Mexico for the weekend to visit "family"
Keep the other person on their toes
Text (7:46 AM): GOOD MORNING!
Text (9:52 AM): OMG, so I ate this great bagel and I thought about how you told me you liked bagels
Text (12:43 PM): Happy lunch time!! :) :) :) :) hehe
Text (3:58 PM): What cha doing???? I'm just thinking about you while I sit on the toilet.....
Text (7:56 PM): Hello ;)
Text (10:02 PM): Ok, well I had a great day. Hope you did tooo!!! GOOD NIGHT! :) :) :)
Reply (11:05PM): Night.
Don't drink too much. Impaired judgement always follows.
Don't text or answer phone calls while you are on a date (Unless of course it is Jesus, your mom, Zach Galifianakis, or one of The Jonas Bros)
Don't talk about your EX ALL THE TIME. It's just pathetic.
Don't dig into your girl/boy's past. Is it really important to know how their ex looked in the 7th grade?
Don't drunk dial/text
Drunk dial:Caller: OMG, SOOOOOOO HAMMERED, fuccccccccckkkkkk (loud music in backround)
Recipient: I'm fucking sleeping. Bye.
Drunk Text:
Texter: Yo, Whoptsserl fdeddd ,,,,, ,.... rwew horneey.. goin111n 2 urrr. .&423 house
Recipient: (no response)
you get the picture.
Don't be over analytical
"OMG, it's been an hour and she's not calling me back? I wonder if she's humping the mail man!!!!!!!!!!!???"
Do's
Act Chivalrous
It's great that we the have women's liberation movement but, opening a car door will say a lot about you. Just because your keys have a button that says "unlock" and you press it, does not count.
Make a plan
I don't know if I'm alone on this one but, somebody needs to plan something. Nobody wants to get into one of these:
"What do you want to do?"
"I dunno, What do you want to do?"
Seriously, not that hard. Go grab some 40's of Steel Reserve and have a chat somewhere cool.
Be straight up
Don't beat around the bush. If you don't like the person just say so. You can only have so many excuses.Ex. I have to re-lace all of my sneakers
I'm going to recycle all of the plastic bottles in my backyard for money.
My grandma needs me to take her to bible study at 10 PM this Friday.
I have to go to Mexico for the weekend to visit "family"
Keep the other person on their toes
If you actually like the person. Don't show it too much.
Text (7:46 AM): GOOD MORNING!
Text (9:52 AM): OMG, so I ate this great bagel and I thought about how you told me you liked bagels
Text (12:43 PM): Happy lunch time!! :) :) :) :) hehe
Text (3:58 PM): What cha doing???? I'm just thinking about you while I sit on the toilet.....
Text (7:56 PM): Hello ;)
Text (10:02 PM): Ok, well I had a great day. Hope you did tooo!!! GOOD NIGHT! :) :) :)
Reply (11:05PM): Night.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Types
These are just some that I personally have come across
The psycho
This guy thinks he has the right to call you until you answer. I'm sorry but it's never ok to call anybody 49 times in a row. It's also not ok to go into my back yard, grab the ladder on the side of my house and climb up to my window (that's on the second floor) and start knocking.
The Stage 5 clinger
Ok, we already broke up. This is the guy that keeps tabs on all the social networking (fb, myspace, twitter) that I've been doing then bitches about it to me, his friends, and probably his mother. He also tries to be friends with my friends (get your own god damn friends). Go find some strange p*ssy and move on with your life.
The guy that rambles about himself
"Oh, yeah I did this.......I know so & so........ I dated this hot ass broad......"
Frankly, I don't give a flying fuck. That's awesome that you have made some sort of accomplishment in your life but if you like yourself so much you should go beat off in front of your bathroom mirror.
The Sweetheart
This guy will do anything and everything for me. He would probably take my mom to work and take me and my sister to school every morning. Probably even let me step on his face with 6 inch heels. Nobody should ever be a push over.
The guy that thinks "he has it like that"
This guy thinks he has you wrapped around his fingers. Not true my friend. Sadly, you don't know that I think a lot like you do. And I will be hurting your feelings in no time.
I have yet to finish this post, but it's time for me to take my afternoon nap. Buenos Tardes!
The psycho
This guy thinks he has the right to call you until you answer. I'm sorry but it's never ok to call anybody 49 times in a row. It's also not ok to go into my back yard, grab the ladder on the side of my house and climb up to my window (that's on the second floor) and start knocking.
The Stage 5 clinger
Ok, we already broke up. This is the guy that keeps tabs on all the social networking (fb, myspace, twitter) that I've been doing then bitches about it to me, his friends, and probably his mother. He also tries to be friends with my friends (get your own god damn friends). Go find some strange p*ssy and move on with your life.
The guy that rambles about himself
"Oh, yeah I did this.......I know so & so........ I dated this hot ass broad......"
Frankly, I don't give a flying fuck. That's awesome that you have made some sort of accomplishment in your life but if you like yourself so much you should go beat off in front of your bathroom mirror.
The Sweetheart
This guy will do anything and everything for me. He would probably take my mom to work and take me and my sister to school every morning. Probably even let me step on his face with 6 inch heels. Nobody should ever be a push over.
The guy that thinks "he has it like that"
This guy thinks he has you wrapped around his fingers. Not true my friend. Sadly, you don't know that I think a lot like you do. And I will be hurting your feelings in no time.
I have yet to finish this post, but it's time for me to take my afternoon nap. Buenos Tardes!
Dont date your friends.
1. You already know this person. Don't you want to date someone and find out something new about them everyday?
2. You already know their dirty whore stories and who they had sex with.
3. You're not going to be as excited when you see them.
4. You already know how this person treats other girls/guys.
5. Your friendship will be ruined if it doesn't work out and will never be the same.
6. This person knows all of your friends. Get the fuck out of your comfort zone.
7. People that know you will talk shit and gossip and make up crazy stories.
Ex: "Did you know that Mary and John are dating now? And I saw them making out at the strip club?? They also have nine kids and 4 of the kids have herpes"
8. You've already known each other for quite sometime now and all of a sudden you want to start screwing? You were either bored, lonely, or just horny.
9. One person will like each other more than the other.
10. You'll start receiving mental images of your friend naked. This can be awesome in certain cases.
My point is that you should venture out, meet new people. Get out of your comfort zone. People are too scared to try new things these days. I'm not saying that you should look for love in the club but, go find a nice girl/guy at borders or the local farmer's market. Then if that doesn't work for you, you can always resort to Vegas and shacking up with a random person from Alaska.
2. You already know their dirty whore stories and who they had sex with.
3. You're not going to be as excited when you see them.
4. You already know how this person treats other girls/guys.
5. Your friendship will be ruined if it doesn't work out and will never be the same.
6. This person knows all of your friends. Get the fuck out of your comfort zone.
7. People that know you will talk shit and gossip and make up crazy stories.
Ex: "Did you know that Mary and John are dating now? And I saw them making out at the strip club?? They also have nine kids and 4 of the kids have herpes"
8. You've already known each other for quite sometime now and all of a sudden you want to start screwing? You were either bored, lonely, or just horny.
9. One person will like each other more than the other.
10. You'll start receiving mental images of your friend naked. This can be awesome in certain cases.
My point is that you should venture out, meet new people. Get out of your comfort zone. People are too scared to try new things these days. I'm not saying that you should look for love in the club but, go find a nice girl/guy at borders or the local farmer's market. Then if that doesn't work for you, you can always resort to Vegas and shacking up with a random person from Alaska.
Chasing Bitches
Just the other day my friend, lets just call him "Max" asked me how to know if a if a girl is into him. He told me that he was interested in a girl that he works with. First off you should NEVER date anyone you work with. Don't ever SHIT where you eat.
Max told me that him and this girl were texting each other back and forth
This pretty much sums up the texts they were sending
Max: Hey
Dumb Broad: Hey
Max: How's your day going?
Dumb Broad: It's good. You?
Max: Good. So, what are you plans this weekend?
(no response from Dumb Broad)
So, of course my buddy Max is a little discouraged that this dumb broad hasn't responded to his message.
She either is
A. Screwing her boyfriend in mid text
B. Just not interested
C. Or just letting this fool sweat
So, about a day has passed since the last message that Max sent. She hasn't responded to his message but they see each other at work and it's pretty normal. But, my friend could barely look at this bitch in the eye. Fuckin pussy. (JK)
Max is still stressed out at the fact that she hasn't given him any response. He pretty much just wants to know if he's ever going to get a chance to bone (i mean get to know) this broad.
My advice: You should just act normal at work. Don't flirt or show any interest. Then I'm sure this girl will notice she's not going to get the same attention and it's going to bother the fuck out of her.
My point: Don't get horny for your co-workers cause it's a bad fucking idea. Secondly, people love the satisfaction of chasing another person. It doesn't matter if you're male or female. It goes both ways. Doesn't it just drive you crazy when the other party has a wall up and you are dying to know what they are thinking or what they have under those clothes?
Max told me that him and this girl were texting each other back and forth
This pretty much sums up the texts they were sending
Max: Hey
Dumb Broad: Hey
Max: How's your day going?
Dumb Broad: It's good. You?
Max: Good. So, what are you plans this weekend?
(no response from Dumb Broad)
So, of course my buddy Max is a little discouraged that this dumb broad hasn't responded to his message.
She either is
A. Screwing her boyfriend in mid text
B. Just not interested
C. Or just letting this fool sweat
So, about a day has passed since the last message that Max sent. She hasn't responded to his message but they see each other at work and it's pretty normal. But, my friend could barely look at this bitch in the eye. Fuckin pussy. (JK)
Max is still stressed out at the fact that she hasn't given him any response. He pretty much just wants to know if he's ever going to get a chance to bone (i mean get to know) this broad.
My advice: You should just act normal at work. Don't flirt or show any interest. Then I'm sure this girl will notice she's not going to get the same attention and it's going to bother the fuck out of her.
My point: Don't get horny for your co-workers cause it's a bad fucking idea. Secondly, people love the satisfaction of chasing another person. It doesn't matter if you're male or female. It goes both ways. Doesn't it just drive you crazy when the other party has a wall up and you are dying to know what they are thinking or what they have under those clothes?
Monday, February 1, 2010
Haha
I started this blog because a lot of my friends ask me for advice on dating. It's funny to me because I am definitely not a dating expert. Just a girl that has experienced dating a variety of men (boys) I should say. Ha ha. I'm not sure if I have dated a real man or even know what that is? But, who the fuck am I to say? I still live with my parents. Just thought it would be hilarious to post some of my experiences as well as my friend's.
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