How to move on

We all know that it's really tough shit getting over a break-up especially after you've been in a relationship for so long.

David: Remember that time we made love and you just started crying in my arms?
Amy: Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked. Please! It's so creepy.
David: I want to take you to Paris and make love to you under the Eiffel Tower.
Amy: Stop it!
David: Stop what?
Amy: This whole Paris thing! I've been broken up with you for, like, two years, man. I don't want to date you anymore!
David: You're a whore.
Amy: I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!
David: [grinning] Ha... this is so us.
Amy: Heh heh heh... psycho talk.......

Here are some tips on how to get over that heartbreaking asshole:

Do's

Reinvent Yourself
-Workout, really hard. So that when your ex sees you he/she will feel remorseful for dumping you for a 5 that's not as funny as you.
-Get a new look. No plastic surgery. Try a hair cut or a Brazilian wax.
-Go get a massage with a happy ending.

Delete them
-Delete them completely out of your life. Erase them from Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, E-mail, AIM, and your phone. Save yourself from chronically checking their Facebook status updates to see what they are doing. You're only hurting yourself.

Erase their phone number from your phone
This will save you from the temptation of drunk dialing or texting

Text(12:00): FUCK YOU!
Text(12:13): sorry im kinda derunk
Text(12:20): i miss you :( you fuck
Text(12:36): DIE, just fucking die
Text(12:36): Ok, i'm really sorry... too much Henny......

Reply: None

Change your surroundings
-Buy new bedsheets. You don't want to be reminded of how you used to bang your ex on those 500 thread count sheets.
-Get rid of all the photos or mementos that remind you of the other person. This will save you from crying hysterically when you see their underwear in your drawer.


Stay Active
Stay busy at all times. Don't mope around your house like a pathetic little bitch. Go try something new like a boxing class, shopping at your local farmers market, perhaps a prostitute on El Cajon Blvd?



Don't

-Don't drive by their house or work if you're "in the area" just to see if they are there

-Don't coincidentally show up to the same bar as them because you saw his/her friend's status update that said "GONNA GET CRUNK AT 923"

-Don't call them on a private number just to hear their voice then hang up

Don't make excuses to see them.
All of a sudden you want back your Season 3 Full House DVD's, your USB cord, and the Maxim magazine from Feb '07? Seriously, you could live without that shit.

-Don't try to take back the shit you bought them.
"I want back those pink boxers with the frogs, the candle that's in your room, your lamp, the KY in your top drawer, all the grey tube socks you own, the fake Gucci wallet, and the Beach Walk slippers (the one with the white sole and the yellow thongs from Seafood City) I want em back!!!!!!!!!!"


Don't cry or vent to his/her friends
You do this because you know they are going to tell your ex everything you said. Not only will this make you look crazy, but will leave room for them to get a laugh about how pathetic you are.

Don't rebound
"The best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one."

Awesome quote, probably not the best idea. Give yourself a time to heal properly. Don't immediately call someone else a few hours after you have been dumped and get into their pants. Your ex might not have considered that a real break up, then you will be accused of cheating. Who knows?...... Seriously? What are the odds that your rebound relationship will actually workout? Unless of course you are "the exception" but, that's a whole different thing to blog about.

Don't accept invitations to have sex
In certain cases, people that have been together for long periods of time tend to continue to have sex after they break-up. This can obviously have it's pros and cons. Don't let the other person reap the benefits of your amazing felatio skills. They can't have their cake and eat it too.

Don't harass their new significant other
-Don't threaten to beat the shit out of them whenever you see them in public
-Don't post a photo of the girl naked with a photo shopped penis. (I LOVE Adobe Photoshop)
-Don't key their car multiple times
-Don't slash their tires
-Don't vandalize their home with graffiti death threats
-Don't purposely sit behind them in church

This blog was extremely entertaining to write. Brings back old memories. (Sigh)