How to move on

We all know that it's really tough shit getting over a break-up especially after you've been in a relationship for so long.

David: Remember that time we made love and you just started crying in my arms?
Amy: Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked. Please! It's so creepy.
David: I want to take you to Paris and make love to you under the Eiffel Tower.
Amy: Stop it!
David: Stop what?
Amy: This whole Paris thing! I've been broken up with you for, like, two years, man. I don't want to date you anymore!
David: You're a whore.
Amy: I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!
David: [grinning] Ha... this is so us.
Amy: Heh heh heh... psycho talk.......

Here are some tips on how to get over that heartbreaking asshole:

Do's

Reinvent Yourself
-Workout, really hard. So that when your ex sees you he/she will feel remorseful for dumping you for a 5 that's not as funny as you.
-Get a new look. No plastic surgery. Try a hair cut or a Brazilian wax.
-Go get a massage with a happy ending.

Delete them
-Delete them completely out of your life. Erase them from Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, E-mail, AIM, and your phone. Save yourself from chronically checking their Facebook status updates to see what they are doing. You're only hurting yourself.

Erase their phone number from your phone
This will save you from the temptation of drunk dialing or texting

Text(12:00): FUCK YOU!
Text(12:13): sorry im kinda derunk
Text(12:20): i miss you :( you fuck
Text(12:36): DIE, just fucking die
Text(12:36): Ok, i'm really sorry... too much Henny......

Reply: None

Change your surroundings
-Buy new bedsheets. You don't want to be reminded of how you used to bang your ex on those 500 thread count sheets.
-Get rid of all the photos or mementos that remind you of the other person. This will save you from crying hysterically when you see their underwear in your drawer.


Stay Active
Stay busy at all times. Don't mope around your house like a pathetic little bitch. Go try something new like a boxing class, shopping at your local farmers market, perhaps a prostitute on El Cajon Blvd?



Don't

-Don't drive by their house or work if you're "in the area" just to see if they are there

-Don't coincidentally show up to the same bar as them because you saw his/her friend's status update that said "GONNA GET CRUNK AT 923"

-Don't call them on a private number just to hear their voice then hang up

Don't make excuses to see them.
All of a sudden you want back your Season 3 Full House DVD's, your USB cord, and the Maxim magazine from Feb '07? Seriously, you could live without that shit.

-Don't try to take back the shit you bought them.
"I want back those pink boxers with the frogs, the candle that's in your room, your lamp, the KY in your top drawer, all the grey tube socks you own, the fake Gucci wallet, and the Beach Walk slippers (the one with the white sole and the yellow thongs from Seafood City) I want em back!!!!!!!!!!"


Don't cry or vent to his/her friends
You do this because you know they are going to tell your ex everything you said. Not only will this make you look crazy, but will leave room for them to get a laugh about how pathetic you are.

Don't rebound
"The best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one."

Awesome quote, probably not the best idea. Give yourself a time to heal properly. Don't immediately call someone else a few hours after you have been dumped and get into their pants. Your ex might not have considered that a real break up, then you will be accused of cheating. Who knows?...... Seriously? What are the odds that your rebound relationship will actually workout? Unless of course you are "the exception" but, that's a whole different thing to blog about.

Don't accept invitations to have sex
In certain cases, people that have been together for long periods of time tend to continue to have sex after they break-up. This can obviously have it's pros and cons. Don't let the other person reap the benefits of your amazing felatio skills. They can't have their cake and eat it too.

Don't harass their new significant other
-Don't threaten to beat the shit out of them whenever you see them in public
-Don't post a photo of the girl naked with a photo shopped penis. (I LOVE Adobe Photoshop)
-Don't key their car multiple times
-Don't slash their tires
-Don't vandalize their home with graffiti death threats
-Don't purposely sit behind them in church

This blog was extremely entertaining to write. Brings back old memories. (Sigh)

You should just break up already

Some couples stay together for way too long before they finally realize that it's time to break up.


10. You don't have any other friends but each other
This is just pathetic. You spend so much time together then you forget who your friends are.

9. You let yourself go
We all know that couples gain a little bit of weight when they get together. I don't give a fuck how comfortable you are, there's no excuse as to why you got morbidly obese.
Don't you think that it's messed up how you gained 50 pounds because you're in love? Your bf/gf did not sign up for that shit! Let's keep the flame alive and lay off those burritos. Because when your significant other finds someone better than you, you're just going to be a fat and lonely heffer.

Don't blame your obesity on your significant other either.
"It's your fuckin fault. That's why I'm so big now! My self-esteem is ruined."
No bitch, it's called self-esteem and nobody is forcing those double cheeseburgers in your mouth.

8. It gets boring in bed
You already know all the tricks this person has and they are just no longer working for you. Your flesh light/rabbit is just becoming more appealing to you.

7. We have a nagger.
This bitch is nagging at every single thing you do.
"When the fuck are you coming home? It's already 9:00?"
"You never take me out anymore!"
"You watch too much football!"
"Why you lookin at that hoe for?"
"Why do you like that bitches status facebook?"

Don't nag. Its disrespectful and you are going to make your significant other resent you.

6. You don't trust each other
Some RED FLAG warning signs to watch out for:

A. You walk out the bathroom and this bitch is checking your phone.
B. They check the mileage on your car. "I thought chu said you was goin to Tom's house. He only lives 3 miles away."
C. They check your pockets for phone numbers.

Keisha: Whos motha fuckin number is this?
Joe: Oh, It's my doctors.
Keisha: Well I called it and some fuckin hoe answered. And I told her you was mah man!
Joe: Bitch you craazy. You shouldn't have been lookin for trouble in the first place.

D. They get scared when you go to work because they have a fear you might be screwing the housekeeping.

5. You do the same shit.
It's just a different day. You eat, watch tv, have sex, go to sleep, then repeat.


4. Money issues
If you're in a relationship and you find yourself paying for every single thing you better run. You are not a parent and this isn't the 1920's. This goes both ways.

3. Your fights start to get out of hand.
Some examples:
- The cops show up while you're fighting in the Walmart parking lot.
- Your guy friends ask you where you got that black eye from.
- She's threatening to kill herself by overdosing on Tylenol and Mike's Hard Lemonade.
- They set your clothes on fire.

2. Bad Communication.

An example:

John(7:00PM): What are you doing tonight?
Candace(7:15PM): Oh babe, I'm going to go out with the girls.
John(8:35PM): Okay honey I'll see you later.
Candace(9:30PM): I think we're going to go out too.
John(10:00PM): Where are you going?

(Candace leaves her phone in the car)

John(10:09PM): What the fuck?
John(11:16PM): Who the fuck are you with?
John(11:17PM): Why the fuck aren't you getting back?
John(11:22PM): I'm going to wait in front of your fucking house.
John(11:31PM): Why are you doing this to me? :*(*****
John(12:09AM): Seriously?

16 missed calls, 3 voice mails, and 18 text messages later.

Candace(8:09AM): Sorry. Left my phone in the car. Have a good day.


1. Infidelity
Phil: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her!
Phil: And you believe that?
Stu: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.


If you don't want to be with this person anymore just say so! People are so scared to leave a fucked up relationship so they end up cheating! Would you rather have someone tell you they don't want to be with you anymore, OR find out by walking in on your girlfriend getting gang banged by two midgets while she's tied to your bed?

Some ways to break up:
-Ignore the person till they get the point
-Change your phone number
-Text them

If you choose to break up in person:
-Pick up your stuff while your new bf/gf is waiting in the car

-Be sensitive to their feelings
"It's not you, it's me."
"The next guy is going to be so lucky to be with you.
"You didn't do anything wrong."

-Act like you care. Don't show that you are happy about the break up.
"You know, this is really hard for me."

-Choose the right time. Try to avoid birthdays, special holidays, and anniversaries.

First Date Etiquette

Some guidelines for that first date.

This should kill some time while i wait at the DMV

10. Don't go straight to the bar. For obvious reasons. You're going to get drunk, dry hump on the dance floor and end up having intercourse. If you're a guy this could probably be awesome for you but since you don't know this girl you might end up with herpes. If you're a girl don't be a whore and give out because he will not call you the next day.

9. Don't pick somewhere expensive. You barely know this girl. Why blow money to impress her? Save it for another time if she's actually worth it.

8. Don't get into a conversation about your past relationships.
"Yeah, my ex she's fuckin crazy. She still blows up my phone, shows up to my work unannounced, and leaves me voice mails of her breathing and sobbing."

If this is the case, you should make a run for it. They probably just broke up yesterday.

7. Who is going to pay?
Personally, I think the guy should on the first date. But, girls should at least offer to. If he lets you, that should say a lot about him.

6. Make plans for the date at least 3 to 5 days in advance.
Girls: Don't agree to hang out with a guy if he asks you on the same day. Set a time for a different day. Let him suffer in anticipation for a little bit.

5. Use flattery, appropriately.
You should comment on how good she/he looks. She didn't spend half the day looking for a push up bra for her A cup tits for no reason.

4. Girls, don't dress like a slut.
He wants to go on a date because he already thought you were attractive. Don't come out of your house in 7 inch FMP's (fuck me pumps), a sleazy polyester dress, and your nipples hanging out. Have some class. This will probably send the wrong message.

3. Don't get tooo deep into your conversation. Sometimes girls get in a habit of talking too much about sensitive subjects in their life. If she starts talking about how she used to get beat by her father and gang raped, try changing the subject. Keep it simple. You're getting to know each other. This is not a therapy session.

2. Don't eat anything too messy or anything that could potentially make you gassy or bloated. You might want to stay away from anything dairy, mexican food, or Crab Hut. You don't want to hold in your fart for 2 hours right?

1. Brush your tongue!!!!!!!

We already know that you're going to brush your teeth, but some people forget to brush their tongue. If you could smell the other person's foul ass breath from a foot away that is just a turn off.

Some people seriously forget:
A. Brush your teeth in a circular motion for about 2 to 3 minutes.
B. Brush all the white stuff on your tongue till it turns pink
C. Floss please!!!!

If your breath still stinks. You probably have some sort of digestive problem. You might want to get a prescription for that. Bring some gum/mints/mouth wash. Whatever it takes.

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