Valentine's Day

Oh, what a lovely holiday to remind the single people that they are still single.

Valentine's day tips

- Don't get your girl flowers and a teddy bear. This is so unoriginal and cliché. The flowers are going to die, then she'll probably rip the head of your little teddy bear when you are arguing.

-Buying a card written by someone else to express how you feel is pretty lame. Some corporate fuck is making tons of money because you bought his card that says "Roses are red violets are blue....and blah blah bullshit" How hard is it to buy some construction paper and glue some macaroni on it?

On the inside of your card you can put
Am I going to get laid tonight?
Please circle YES or NO

-Girls, please don't waste your money on trashy lingerie from Walmart. It's probably going to get ripped off and he probably won't even notice if you're wearing granny panties.

-If guy/girl asks to to hang out the DAY OF Valentine's day that means their date flaked on them so you're the back up.

- Celebrating V-day on a different day is ok. Why would you want to go to a crowded restaurant with a bunch of awkward looking couples? Most of the couples in that restaurant have probably been together for years and they don't have anything to say to each other.

-Don't go all out
Because if you do something so awesome for your guy/girl for your first V-day, you're going to have to live up to that standard then you'll find your self competing with with the large bundle of sex toys that you bought for the last holiday.

-You should be creative. Creative does not mean expensive. You couples should be grateful that you have someone to spend this Hallmark Holiday with. Die.

If you're single you have a variety of options:
-Couple egging
-Taking sleeping pills throughout the day
-Eating some ribs or fried chicken
-Binge drinking dark liquor till your eyesight is blurry
-Driving somewhere really far and crying hysterically while listening to Brian McKnight
-Your mom can always be your Valentine (hahahahaha)


I still have to finish this.... It's time for me to get my Jameson on.